Dear Agnes,
I’ve been working nonstop for months, often taking on tasks that aren’t even part of my job description because I want to be seen as a team player. It’s reached a point where I’m so overwhelmed that I’m dropping the ball on my actual responsibilities. I know I need to talk to my boss about setting boundaries and getting support, but every time I think about having that conversation, I freeze. I worry that they’ll see me as incapable or not committed enough. How can I approach this conversation in a calm and constructive way that helps me advocate for myself?
Best,
Too Polite to Protest
Dear Too Polite to Protest,
First, I want to honor the care and heart you’ve been bringing to your work. Your willingness to step up says so much about your integrity. However, there is an important difference between being a team player and being a human sponge for every unclaimed task. Somewhere along the way, your deep sense of responsibility tipped into unsustainable territory. No wonder you’re feeling overwhelmed. You’ve been operating without proper scaffolding.
You must have had some good reasons for choosing to take on so much, likely layered with old stories about worth or survival. Those deeper layers are asking to be explored when you’re ready. You can start by asking yourself: When did I first learn that saying yes felt “safer” than saying no? What am I afraid might happen if I set a limit? That kind of reflection can initiate real change. But for now, let’s stay close to your immediate question: how to approach this conversation with your boss in a calm, constructive way.
Speaking up to protect your capacity is not a sign of weakness. When you do so, you are demonstrating an act of (self-)leadership and real commitment to the organization: the discernment to protect your ability to deliver on what matters most.
When it comes to approaching your boss, here’s a frame that might help: You’re not there to complain. You’re there to collaborate on a solution. Imagine the conversation like a strategy meeting because that’s what it is. You are the expert on what you need to function at your best.
You might begin with something like:
“I’ve taken on several additional tasks over the past few months because I care about the team’s success. However, it’s beginning to impact my ability to fully deliver on my core responsibilities. I’d like to talk with you about where my focus can have the greatest impact, and where I might need support or realignment so that the team and I can succeed sustainably.”
Notice how this language keeps the focus on solutions rather than problems. It shows you’re invested, that you’re thinking about the big picture, and it opens the door to a partnership-style conversation rather than a confrontation.
Now, it’s really common for us to freeze when facing something hard. Before you have the conversation, help your nervous system shift from that freeze stress response to a calm state. One way to do so is to plant your feet firmly on the ground and slow your breath, which will help slow the anxious mind. More specifically, a slow inhale followed by an even slower exhale activates the parasympathetic system, signaling safety to your brain. With that, clarity and steady speech become easier.
You deserve to protect the precious energy that makes your work and your presence so valuable in the first place.
In loving support,
Agnes